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[31 Dec 2020|05:54pm]
bury anchors in our garden
COMMENT

[20 Apr 2009|09:39am]
[ mood | studious. ]
[ music | sean lennon. parachutes. ]

She puts on her boots one shoe at a time. The Ides of March branded on the backs of each calf-height boot. Soft brown leather that complements her dress paired with a brown belted jacket and dripping jewelry. Her hair is neatly pulled back while soft tendrils frame her face. A little stylista who peered over the sketches Kodi drew when she hastily worked, flicking her wrist to wave off assistants as they made her dreams become reality. A thin cigarette always in hand, her blue eyes sparkled with wonder despite the sadness that rested in the corners of her lips. Tyra looks at her reflection in a mirror, doing a quarter turn to watch her dress move with the wind of her motions. “Can I stay with you?” she asked while sorting through her jewelry box for a few bracelets to complete her outfit. Jewelry collected at the balcony while police paced the apartment and looked for a possible note from its owner. My mind drifts and it takes me a minute to realize what she asked.

Can you?” She quickly spots her error; her soft but concentrated voice corrects herself.

May I, Chase?” She acquires my accent, thinking it will win me over. When it doesn’t work, she tries a hand at my native tongue, “Per favore?” She begins speaking in fragmented Italian with a Tyra dialect, as I like to call it. She mixes the languages she’s learning with a few choice code words she’s created with Jesse, Sully’s niece, her fingers quickly grabbing my hand as she diplomatically explains why being at the gallery is more of a learning experience than school. It’s a Monday, a test day. She’s trying to get out of it because she was too busy reading one of the books she pulled from the bookshelf.

“I’ll write you a note,” I sigh, watching her to see the expressions change from persuasion to relieved. Only then I add on, “After you take your test at school, I’ll pick you up and we’ll hit Armando’s for lunch.” She makes a little face but stops mid-thought as it clicks in her young head. She giggles a bit, “That’s your name!” She connects the dots but plays the innocent card to confirm her suspicions; I know this move very well since I perfected it by the age of 10. “Yes, it is, but it’s a common name.” That’s all I say on the topic but I know mid-lunch she’ll wonder why some of my artwork is there, why the A on the napkins look familiar to my hand-writing, and why our meal is always on the house.

As she sits on the edge of her bed, inspecting the shoes customized for her tiny feet from Kodi’s line, I can hear the shower down the hallway, in my bedroom. Sully’s up. We’re all early risers but even if I feel a cold settling in my lungs, soreness at the back of my throat, I ignore the fact he’s only over to get me to shut up about being sick.

It amazes me that she’s nothing like her birth mother, but she’s very much like Kodi and Sully, fragments of the village that is raising her, seeping in. She’s an entity in and of herself and I merely am the spectator. Watching not only her, but now a second slowly grow. A second I thought was lost but tried to think little about when I watched the black and white movement on the ultrasound. I wouldn’t subject her to getting them weekly but as long as there’s movement, then my nerves will remain settled.

“A boy,” I think. Will he be wild like his parents? Will he carry her nose? Her smirking smile? Have her wonderful permanently tanned skin? Will he win all the ladies’ hearts before he can walk? Will he be like Tyra? Serious, inquisitive, studious, and level-headed or hot-headed like his donor? Will he knit-pick while he plays, constructing bridges out of blocks and proudly reveling in his excellence? Is he going to have those notable blue eyes mirrored in Marco and I? Dark hair and long lashes? It’s not my place to ask all of this, I simply observe.

11 READ|COMMENT

[04 Apr 2009|08:40am]
“Who is this?” Her words were uttered with a clarity that divided the silence that began to build in the old estate that seemed to creak with the absence of furnishings and life. The remnants of the fire still etched the corners of his section of the house even with the remodeling and reconstruction, there were still traces of an older existence. We were on the third floor searching through old boxes I wished provided kindling to the fire I created many months ago, damn near a year ago it seems. Back when a lighter was all I needed to cause destruction, a little gasoline helped especially when I contemplated letting his precious fleet of cars meet the bottom of the ocean. I had enough practice to know to never sink a car, they always find them and it wipes away the ‘accident’ plea of a house strategically burning on one side formerly dedicated to the co-owner while your portion was left unscathed.

“Uh,” I looked over from my attempts to clean the ash from a few awards I had stashed in the attic. In her hands were a picture of Bryan and I, a picture that coincidentally were of us when we first moved out here. All I could say was: “A friend,” quickly brushing off the topic so her inquisitive tendencies wouldn’t delve into a sore spot that no longer was there. He had become a phantom appendage, one I rarely realized was gone or ever there to be gone until someone reminded me I was a one-armed man. The two had never met and that’s the way I preferred it to be. I never wanted her to be introduced to someone in my life that would never be there, that would only become a ghost in her young world, a feeling that she would carry with her for life.

She’s all of nine now, no longer the seven year old who wanted to learn more about her Uncle Chase, no longer the eight year old who presented the topic of a blood test. She’s a little woman trapped in the body of a growing child, waiting for her frame to catch up with her mind. She knows broken Italian now, picking up phrases from hearing me on the phone with family and customers oversees, she can swear in six languages but knows better than to use them around me. I hear her in her room attempting to reach a book on a high shelf, a quick swear in Russian, and a few thuds of books tumbling as I rush in to pull her down from the shelving unit. She doesn’t ask for help, just as I don’t. She’d rather climb the wooden shelves just as I would’ve, leaving me in a state of alert when she grows too quiet. She’s always up to no good, slyly mentioning the way I use to drink socially when she was younger. She slips her way onto my lap, a spot she’s claimed since she was six. Her blue eyes look up at me while her lips curl into a smile. I know that look, she’s learned it from me and the many nights I tried to kiss my way out of trouble with Sully after visiting Bryan, the picture frame that’s in the trash. She misses him, and so do I but there’s something comfortable about it being her and I.

Sully is something to her, he’s her Louie, and I subsequently her Lestat. She learns persistence and dedication from me, the silent ways of wrapping people around her finger, and getting what she wants without ever being snobby. She’s a sweet girl but a little too grown at times.

“Does he hate us?” She asks me, in regards to Sully. I shake my head saying ‘no’, reminding her that he could never hate her, that he loves her as much as I love her. Which he does. I feel like a divorcee some days, sitting in the house adding more artwork to the walls to compensate, taking the pets for a walk, and having to see her become more like him. She has this powerful silence about her, something I grew to love and loathe in him, this sense of calm even when shit hits the fan. She watches, takes note, and glides through situations if only to add them to a future story. Books are her passion, she’s almost read her way through the children section, boring quickly of “remedial rhymes” or at least that’s how she worded it to me on the ride home from the gallery. “You don’t even know that remedial means,” I laughed. She sent a little glare my way and noted “You said the new janitor was remedial, he’s a bit…. off,” and in some sick way I was proud that my snark was counterbalancing the scholarly overtones of Sully’s affects. “That’s my girl,” I laughed, reaching over to ruffle her hair which she quickly huffed, “Chase…” she sung my name, whining at her appearance being altered.

It pains me to think one day she’ll pick up a picture of Anthony, when she’s older, coming back from college with her boyfriend nervously standing near the front door, unsure if I’ll hug him and welcome him to the family or tell him to leave, and that she’ll ask “Who is this?” That her maturing eyes will look over the picture, frowning as she remembers the nights he would read to her but never remember the stories, the outings. He’s left an impact on her, one that I highly doubt she’ll forget but as we grow older, we tend to forget those that made a slight appearance in the first few chapters of our lives.
2 READ|COMMENT

mary magdeline's revelation at the feet of the slain savior. [05 Apr 2008|11:24pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I always regret uttering below my breath, "Kodi was right." It's one of the phrases quickly followed by a sigh, a long exhale of every tribulation, self-inflicted stress factor, that she once haughtily laughed while shaking her head. That thin cigarette of hers, always needing to bum a light.

Small thing with a vibrancy that outshines sunrise over Manhattan's skyline. Trustfund babies and the by-product of headlines and alcohol. We smell like fresh martinis with a hint of lemon. The bitters lining the bartender's stash.

The toothpick through the olive, once pitted then decorated to look complete and chic. Trends that will be out of style by the time you're able to buy them. Buy me --for a night, a week, even a month. I left a good owner only to be thrown with the denim pants in the water. Dry cleaners only, now, left to make it through the wash fairly okay this time around.

Poetic words fading on the tag, the thread neatly lining the garb is starting to show. De-lace me.

We seek truths that ears are not ready to hear, it's needed to be said so it can resound and become crystal clear. Every strong man has wrong across a Jezebel and Magdeline, that has made him weak, made him put his faith aside even for a night of fun.

What's the price to pay?

One too many nights of wandering eyes, wondering minds, observing the tilt of a tie, the undone cuffs, and an untucked shirt. Assumptions hidden by a weary smile. Worn by the denim wash, how long does the game continue? The pawns are all defeated, the bishops --slaughtered, and rooks waiting for retirement. This king has been on the run for too long, condemning the queen before the enemy.

If all the world's a stage, and we nothing more than actors, then let me take my cues from the masters of cinema.

2 READ|COMMENT

rigoletto's rosemary percession [19 Jan 2008|09:05am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Diner car prodigy of a musician, sitting with one leg crossed over the other, guitar gently weeping with each reverberating note that echos in the belly of the beast. The sound of white ceramic plates dully clinking while the fourty-year-old waitress pops her gum can be heard in the background. An old fashioned tape recorder sits next to a set of sunny side ups on a melrose day. The light pittering of droplets hitting the metal gutter and sidings of the trailer-like side-of-the-road dive creates a sense of ambiance. A Moriarty car sits in front of the thick glass windows, reminiscent of the glorious sixties. Of course he wasn't alive at the time but all the stories from parents, and war movies seemingly on-loop while growing up with toy guns and armies of soldiers fighting the commies, the viets, and the pigs, all lined along the bay made one feel they waded the muddy tributaries of war blood just as their grandparents had during WWII. Sacrificial lamb chop, coated in seasoned flour and fried to heart-attack perfection with a side of hash and ketchup. Rolling of a joint and the vibrancy of that two o'clock trucker traffic are all captured on the clunky metal recorder. Switch the tape out for each song, a change of tempo but the sound of fresh coffee, jet black, being poured in a cup sounds like a downpour on the machine.

Sipping on the first cup of hot tea, fragments of leaves swirling into the whirlpool of forgotten emotions, while the audience polishes off the forth and fifth cups of strong sixteen-bean coffee.

College students looking for an adventure on the open road; Thelma waiting for her cowboy while Louise calls all of the yesterdays on the opposite end of the phone. A thick phone book, she thumbs through, rests at the bottom of the indoor booth. Wooden, old, with engravings of all the young hopefuls from yester-year. Fifth and six strings, walking bass, open, open, patting the wooden body while tapping a foot on tiled flooring. His eyes, half-lidded while in thought looks off at Louise while softly beginning the song. The words are not his own but they mirror his sentiments. Thelma knows the lyrics so she volunteers her services --in more than one way. Blonde and sweet but a few marbles short of a game of jacks.

The joker's acoustic session melds into his own material. Songs etched on the halls of his recording studio, penned down on the soles of his feet, so that with every step he takes, that's one less closer to the muse. He keeps to himself despite the annoyed truckers trying to tune out his melodic voice. Drowning pancakes and toast in an ocean of syrup, dripping on the counter top, like the peach pit of an estranged 90210 pilot --canned for the realism of blue collar life. In between nowhere and being a nobody, somewhere off in Boston there is a man working in a similar dive taking orders, writing unrequited love poems on the back of a receipt. He flirts with the local lesbian, trying his best to charm her, in hopes of measuring his prowess. Writer turned waiter. Writer turned bartender. Whether serving happy meal quality burgers or happy hour filled drinks, the parallelism is obvious.

Jack of spades with his royal flush. The cards are splayed on the table next to his rosemary tea but all he can see is the reflection of a lover. Sal's in the car, tapping a tune on the leather wheel but the heart aches for what it wants. Despite the growing audience's persistence, the Freudian chef with his ashes falling in the soup, his mind tells him to sing, his heart tells him to play, his feet tells him to walk back to the beginning.

Nighthawk prodigy of an artisan, sitting with one leg next to the other, guitar softly calling with each strum of the strings, waiting for the second guitarist to join in but the guitar never comes.


Decided to post this anyway.

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